


KILL ME

by ncsupnatfan



Category: Supernatural
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-01
Updated: 2015-04-01
Packaged: 2018-03-20 16:38:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3657576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ncsupnatfan/pseuds/ncsupnatfan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set after season 9 finale, Do You Believe In Miracles, my thoughts on what could happen next, just a short clip.</p>
            </blockquote>





	KILL ME

The first thing he remembered after opening his eyes was, I should be dead. Dean lay on the bed trying to take in his surrounds as memories began to bombard his mind from the past day. Sam and him went after Metatron.

Then the pain seared through his body as the angel blade was driven into his chest. Dean remembers feeling his life slowly slipping away. He could hear Sam’s voice calling to him, telling him it would be ok. He could feel Sam’s tears hitting his face as he looked one more time into his brother’s eyes before dying. He had died, he was sure of that.

Clutching the first blade in his hand, Dean pushed himself up on his bed. Sam must have brought him back here, but as he looked around his room, he didn’t see his brother. His legs were shaky as he got to his feet. This was not right, what had his brother done? He was not suppose to cheat death again. He was ready, it should have ended.

Dean walked unsteadily out of the bedroom and across the hall to the bathroom. Stopping at the sink, he slowly raised his head to look in the mirror. Dean stopped breathing and the world around him ceased to exist. He started in total hatred at his reflection and the black eyes that were looking back at him from his own face. What happened to him? How was this possible? Had Sam seen and fled? 

“No!” Dean screamed as his fist hit the mirror with such force he punched a hole in the wall behind the mirror. He turned and lurched toward the door. This couldn’t be happening, this couldn’t be real, what was happening to him?

I'm here, come to me, let me help you. You just have to let me in, let me take over, I can give you what you need, the power, the calm, the peace you want, I only ask one thing, I must be fed. The voice was in his head and he winced as the nagging stab of pain spread outward.

In the depths of his mind, the soft voice was calling him, telling him to come, there was much work to do. He needed to let all else go, to follow him, to be powerful, and strong. It needed to be fed; dark, red, coppery, warm blood flowing down the blade, nurturing it, making it alive again. Dean made his way to the kitchen to find it empty too.

xxxxxx

Sam stood in the dungeon doorway looking around for Crowley, not understanding why he wasn’t appearing. He needed to make it right, he was the one who tricked Dean in to taking the mark. After another ten minutes, Sam swore under his breathe and walked slowly back to the main room.

Noises could be hear in the kitchen which should have been silent. Sam paused wondering who had gotten in the bunker. He was here alone now, there should be no noise. He crept carefully down the hall and looked toward the kitchen.

Sam could make out a male figure standing near the stove. If he didn’t know better, he would've sworn it was Dean, but that couldn’t be right, Dean was dead. He had left him in his bedroom. Sam backed slowly down the hall and turned to hurry to his brother's bedroom. He paused in the doorway and looked at an empty bed.

Blood drained from his face as blackness threatened to take him under. He stood in the doorway gripping the frame trying to wrap his mind around what he was seeing. There was no body on the bed or in the room. Sam drew in a ragged breathe as he used the wall for support and stumbled back to the main room.

xxxx

Pausing on the steps, he once again looked to the kitchen at the figure standing by the counter. He could see a bottle of whiskey sitting on the counter and an empty glass. On leaden legs, Sam made his body move up the steps. He inched ever closer to the person, trying to take in everything about him. He had the stance of his brother, he even had the same clothes his brother was wearing, how could this be?

"I know you're there." a voice that sounded like Dean's said without turning around.

"D-De-Dean." Sam finally stammered out as his dry mouth made it hard to talk.

"I don't know Sammy." came the reply as the figured hunched his shoulders and stiffened his body.

"What-How-Is it really you?" he asked slowly stepping closer. "But you were dead."

"I know, evidently the Mark doesn't like it's host that way."

"So, it brought you back?"

"Well that and the blade, but yeah, there's something else, it-it changed me." he said softly still facing away from Sam.

"What do you mean changed you?" Sam questioned steeling himself for an answer.

Dean didn't answer the question. He drew in a deep breath as he slowly turn around to face his brother. He had his head bowed and eyes down until he was fully turned before raising his eyes to look at Sam.

Black eyes stared at Sam as he fought to breath. Any sense of happiness to have his brother back exploded with such force he fell back on the table. He began to shake his head back and forth as he saw the pained and hurt expression on Dean's face. No, this couldn't be happening to his brother.

"The mark did that? It made you a demon?" he gasped trying to force air into his lungs. 

"Don't worry, I'm leaving, I just wanted to say good-bye."

"Wait! No, you can't go."

There it was again, that voice, that whisper, come with me, I can help, I can make you forget, no more pain, only power, control, feel me, we can rule, just take the blade and let the bleeding begin.

Dean shook his head violently to try to rid himself of the voice. He pushed away from the counter feeling raw emotions surge through his body; running over every nerve, making him tingle in pain. He had to get away before it took over, before he lost control.

"Dean please talk to me. What's going on?" Sam asked seeing the anguish his brother was in.

"Can't stay, gotta get out of here." he growled pushing past him.

"Where are you going? Let me help you, please. I'll find a way to change you back. I mean we know how to cure a demon."

"Sammy, I'm not possessed by one, this is me, this is who I am now. We've never seen anyone like me, so how do ya propose to cure me?"

"Cain, how 'bout Cain. We'll find him, make him take the mark back, make you human again."

"It's pullin' me, I don't know how long I can control it."

"Let me help. Maybe Crowley knows somethin' or can help us find Cain."

Blood, need to feel the hot, coppery, wetness on me, must have blood. Kill him, make your brother your first kill, do it! Become the true bearer of the mark, weld the blade! the soft voice urged.

"No! No! I won't, stop it." he cries out stumbling for the stairs and the door. His blood feels like fire running through his veins. His entire body is overheating. He has to get out of here before it's too late, before he did something he could never forgive himself for.

"Dean." Sam calls as Dean escapes through the door. "Don't worry Dean, I am going to save you?" he whispers to no one. There has to be a way. He was not giving up on his big brother, Dean never gave up on him. 

xxxx

Dean made it to the Impala and fell behind the wheel. He cranked it and backed out of the bunker, before flooring the gas pedal and racing away.

The tires ate up the road to nowhere. Dean's mind was spinning out of control. Where could he go? He knew if he faltered, that it would take control and there would be no turning back. He couldn't let it sneak it's way into the corners of his mind. There was one place, it was isolated, it would serve as a place to rest, to decide what his next step would be. He would head to Montana and Rufus's old cabin.

xxxx

Sam grabbed his phone off the table and dialed his brother's number. He paced back and forth as it began to ring. Hearing something from down the hall, Sam walked toward the bedrooms. He pushed Dean's door open and caught the last of a ring before it went to voice mail. Walking further into the room, Sam saw a cell laying on the nightstand. Dammit, he hadn't taken it with him, he thought throwing his phone on the bed. So much for trying to track Dean with his cell.

Heading back to the main room, Sam tried to think like Dean, he knew his brother, he should be able to figure out what he would do. First priority would be find a place to stay. He would want it isolated and away from people. Sam pulled out a map and folded it out on the table. He found the bunker location and began to run his finger around the map trying to conceive which way Dean would go. Frustration overtook Sam as he fought back the tears. He finally collapsed on the couch and closed his eyes, wanting nothing more than to have his brother back with him. Demon or not, he was his brother, he had to try and save him.

xxxx

Dean pulled up to the cabin the next day. Driving was much easier when you didn't need sleep or to eat, only to stop and gas the car. He pulled the Impala around to the back of the structure so it couldn't be seen. Getting out, he grabbed a bag and walked to the front door and tried the knob. It refused to turn, so he searched under flower pots until he found a spare key. 

The place had not been used in a while, so it had a damp, musty smell. Dean opened a couple of windows to let in some fresh air. A cool breeze blew in fanning spider webs that hung from the ceiling and in every corner. He picked up a broom and began to sweep the walls and ceiling free of the webs. He did some basic cleaning to make it livable. 

Since the power was off, he brought in some wood for the stove and dug out a camp lantern before it got dark. Dean stood on the porch looking out into the woods as the sun dropped behind the trees. Shadows lengthened and dusk crept across the area. He sipped his fourth beer, feeling no effects at all from the alcohol. This was discouraging.

We are one, don't fight me, let us unite, we will be unstoppable, you can have it all, it is there for the taking, let me in. The voice was calling to him, trying to get him to stop fighting and accept it.

No! Dean growled to himself. He would not be weak, he had to be strong. There had to be something he could do. Killing himself was out since it seems the mark won't let you die. Maybe Crowley was right, he needed his help, but did he want to owe the King of Hell? Could he trust him? They didn't have a good track record when it came to their deals with demons. Who else could help? Cas, he had his own problems and now with his grace burning out, he wouldn't be of much use.

In his current condition, Dean didn't know if he could face the angel. He was too ashamed for Cas to see him. He was what they had hunted all their lives, he was a monster, his life was over. The only thing that Cas might could do was kill him. Put him out of his misery, end his life, he knew he was destined for hell, might as well get it over with.

xxxx

Sam threw the match in the bowl and looked around. A cloud of smoke appeared and the King of Hell turned to face Sam.

"Moose, what do I owe the pleasure?"

"How do I fix him?" Sam growled staring him down.

"You mean Squirrel? Where is he by the way?" Crowley asked looking around Sam.

"He's gone. I want you to help me find a way to make him human again."

"What's in it for me?"

"I don't kill you?" Sam informed him slipping the demon knife out of his jacket and turning it slowly in his fingers.

"I'm hurt, after all we've been through together? Has our relationship come down to this?"

"Crowley so help me, if you don't stop talking, I'll stab you out of spite."

"Moose, I didn't say I wouldn't help you, can we put the threats aside. So where do we begin?"

"Can you find Cain?"

"Why would we need him?"

"He can take the mark back."

"But will it change anything?"

"What do you mean?"

"He may take the mark back, but will it change Dean from being a demon?"

"Why wouldn't it?"

"Did Cain change after giving Dean the mark?"

"I wouldn't know, I wasn't there." Sam said sarcastically.

"He didn't, he took on a house full of demons after whisking us out of there."

"What can I do?"

"Well, I could help him to maybe control himself." Crowley offered.

"What's in it for you? I know you wouldn't do it out of the kindness of your heart."

"Well, Dean could maybe help me with a couple of little problems I have in hell."

"You would use his powers to keep your hold on hell?" he scoffed.

"He could release the rage he's trying to control in a positive way." Crowley shrugged.

Sam huffed to himself, trying to wrack his brain on another solution or plan to help his brother. He knew Crowley couldn't be trusted, but in his current position, there was no one else. Sam knew he would probably regret what he was about to do as he reached down and scrapped paint from the devil's trap releasing Crowley.

xxxx

You know this is what you want, ever since you got me. Remember that first kill, how alive you felt, how invincible and powerful you were. We can be that again, you just have to let me in, let me have control and you will be free forever.

Dean tossed and turned on the couch as that whispery voice returned in his dreams. He knew the pull was getting stronger wanting to be released. Wanting to feel the joy of the kill once again was forefront in his mind and he pushed with what little humanity he had left. He couldn't give in, he couldn't disappoint Sam. That gave him the courage to reject once again the call of the mark.

xxxx

Sam and Crowley stood around the table as Sam poured over the map once again trying to figure out where Dean would have gone.

"Well Moose, where have you gone before when you needed to disappear?" 

"Old hideouts." Sam thought hard frowning as he pulled old memories from his mind. He thought about the times they were on the run and where did they go? The first place that his mind pulled up was of course Bobby's, but since it had burned to the ground, that was out. Harvelle's Roadhouse, also a dead end, blew up. Then it hit him like a slap in the face. His eyes grew brighter as the wheels turned, of course, isolated, not known but to a few.

"Moose, you ok? Did something in that thick skull of your's click?" Crowley asked seeing the demeanor of Sam change.

"I know where he's at." Sam said looking up from the map.

"Well, spill it."

"He's at a cabin in Montana, we've used it before."

"Well, lets go." he said standing up and putting a hand on his shoulder.

Sam's legs wobbled as he found he was standing outside of Rufus's cabin. He looked at Crowley and madly hissed. "A little warning next time." 

Crowley just shrugged, not seeing the problem, they were here.

"You stay out here. Let me talk to him first." Sam said squaring his shoulders and slowly walking toward the front porch. Sam didn't bother knocking, as he pushed the door open.

Dean was standing in the middle of the living room with gun ready to shoot whoever walked in. "Dammit Sammy, I almost shot you." he shouted lowering his gun. "What are you doing here?"

"Hello Dean." Sam said hiding his emotions from his brother. He had to keep himself in check if he was going to get through to him.

"Leave Sam, I don't want you here." Dean stated turning away from Sam so he wouldn't have to keep his eyes switched to green.

"I don't care, I'm going to help you even if you don't want it." Sam told him crossing his arms determined not to budge.

Dean stalked over to him and started to push him out finding it was harder that he thought, until the demon side helped and moved Sam toward the door.

"Stop it Dean, you're not getting rid of me that easily." Sam said pushing his arms away.

"Boggers, you gonna leave me standing out there all day while you two squabble?" Crowley fussed taking a seat on the couch.

"What are you doing here Crowley? I ought to kill you." Dean stiffened as his eyes went black and rage started to build in him.

"Squirrel, how's it going?" Crowley asked ignoring the stab. "Getting use to the new you?"

"Not helping here Crowley." Sam said as he stepped between Dean and Crowley before Dean could attack.

"Let me at 'im!" Dean rumbled menacingly. 

"Dean, that won't help. Crowley is going to help you until I can find a way to change you back."

"Crowley's an ass, why would he want to help me?"

"Hello, sitting right here." Crowley commented. "Wouldn't have a spot of tea would you?"

"Dean, please, come back with me, we can face this together. I'm not ready to lose you again. I was wrong about so much, and I understand now. But Dean, you have to let me help you. You don't have to do this alone, I'm your family, your brother and I won't give up. It's my turn to help you." Sam said laying a hand on his arm.

Dean looked down at the floor as a tide of emotions bounced across his face as he tried to rein them in. Each of Sam's words build his humanity up, allowing him to develop a spark of hope. He looked up at his brother with green eyes, slightly tinged black, but more human than demon.

Sam smiled as he pulled his brother into a strong hug while blinking back the tears brimming in his eyes. Dean's body was stiff at first, not wanting to accept the hug, but relaxed with the familiar touch he had grown so use to. Dean finally responded by returning the hug. 

"Touching boys, but don't you think it time we left?" Crowley sighed having had enough of the chick flick moment.

"Can't I just kill him a little?" Dean surmised giving Crowley a deathly glare.

"No, he may be useful, but if he isn't, you get first dibs on him." Sam said matter of fact.

"Moose! I thought we had a connection here. You and me, we've shared so much." Crowley complained. 

"So, ready to head back?" Sam asked Dean hoping for the right response.

"Yeah Sammy, I think so." Dean said letting out a long breath.

xxxx

"Squirrel, concentrate, it's not rocket science." Crowley complained as he watched Dean trying to transport from one room to the other.

"Put a sock in it." Dean growled as his eyes changed and he could feel the pull again.

You can't get rid of me, I'm still here, I know what you need. They can't help you, only I can do that. Embrace me, feed me. Come to me.

"Picture it, see yourself there." 

"I got it." Dean said and suddenly he was standing before Sam in the kitchen. 

"Holy crap!" Sam cried as salad when in every direction. "Dammit Dean, a little warning." Sam griped as he looked at his lunch on the kitchen floor at his feet.

"Sorry Sammy, I was trying for my bedroom, must have overshot." Dean said innocently looking at the salad in the floor. 

"Not bad." Crowley commented popping in beside them.

"I was aimin' for my bedroom." 

"Little messy there Moose." 

Sam gave Crowley his best bitch face and went to find a broom and dustpan. This morning it was the coffee, if Dean kept this up, he was going to have to do a supply run before they ran out of food.

"Any luck finding Cain?" Dean inquired.

"No, I've tried everything I can to find him, he must be warded against everything." Sam answered. "I'm not giving up. He's out there somewhere."

xxxx

Dean stood on the bunker roof looking up at the stars as he fought against the burning sensation and the heat coursing through his body. The chill in the air felt so good as he tried to control his mind, to keep that damn voice at bay.

You can't stop me, I will always be here, you will be mine, you will accept me. I am your life now, your brother can't help you. He's holding you back, stopping you from achieving your full potential. He's jealous of your powers. You can be so much more if you listen to me.

Dean fought with the voice in his mind, pushing it back, trying to shut it down. He didn't hear Sam join him on the roof.

"You ok?" Sam asked softly trying not to startle him.

"I'm fine." he grunted not looking at him so he wouldn't see the pain on his face.

"Yeah and I'm Superman, you have to be honest with me, remember, no more secrets."

"It talks to me." Dean started.

Sam frowned trying to understand what his brother was trying to tell him.

"In my mind, the mark wants me to give in, to let it have control."

"You can't do that, you know you have to fight this. I know you can do it, you're the strongest person I know. Don't you ever think of giving up on me, you understand. I believe in you, you've been my anchor my whole life. Let me be yours now. We will get through this together. Just don't give up, please."

"Sammy, you have to promise me, if something happens, if I can't stop it, you have to find a way to kill me. Don't let me hurt anyone. Promise me." Dean begged.

"Don't you dare talk like that!" Sam hissed. "That is not going to happen. Look at all the crap that has been thrown at us and we've survived it. We will find an answer, it's there, I won't give up, you have to believe that."

Dean remained silent as he looked up at the stars and smiled. His mind went back to the past and the many times they had grabbed a six pack, found an open field and just sat on the Impala's hood, watching the stars for hours, neither saying a word. It was a simpler time for both of them. A time where things were not as complicated between them.

Sam looked over at Dean and then up at the stars too. A calmness slowly washed through him; a feeling he had not felt in a long time. They would get through this together, as brothers, as family.


End file.
